Hi beautiful friends!
Wow wow wow what an intense time it’s been on the path recently. I hope you are all ok. Please anyone who needs support REACH OUT because even the strongest souls need help sometimes. I certainly have. It’s been BIG. Everywhere around me I’m seeing my tribe members at massive crossroads in their lives, making life changing decisions and setting off on totally unexpected paths. Relationships are ending. New ones are beginning. Twin flames are unexpectedly reuniting, or preparing to. Dreams are shattering, only to be replaced by higher ones. The old world is truly crumbling right now, and you better let go and allow the ride to take you because resistance is futile at this point. And will just cause you unnecessary stress because these giant tsunami’s re-shaping your reality are actually carrying you to a greater destination than you probably thought possible.
For me this all started with a MASSIVE heart opening about a week and a half ago. It was so intense and amazing I literally felt like I was on drugs. Sometimes it’s not until your heart opens that you realize how closed it was beforehand. And of course when you open up a locked away space like that, there is going to be long-buried stuff to deal with. So what followed that concert for me was several days of utter agony…. Such an intense outpouring of grief, sadness and pain that at times all I could do was scream into a pillow. I was dealing with heart-stuff I had deeply repressed years ago and it was like going back in time to some of my darkest moments.
What was also happening though was grief at how my life was crumbling and restructuring. It came out of nowhere and totally shell-shocked me. Suddenly the glorious future I had planned for myself felt like it was being ripped away. I was very attached to the life I had been envisioning and the loss of it felt like being torn in half. But on the other hand, I was tapping more and more into this higher path that was opening up before me, so it was a total rollercoaster of grief, confusion and excitement. One of the days I found myself begging for clarity and answers but then too scared to actually receive them. The acceptance around these changes had to happen in stages, and I’m very happy to say that I’m now at a place of peace and joy about it all. And am just in awe of this totally unexpected and fantastical turn of events!
As I said, the old world is crumbling, and with it, every structure, every tradition, every pattern and energy stream from that old world must crash and burn. The one that I have been feeling the most within me is the collapse of MARRIAGE… for what could be an older and more outdated institution than that! I’m pretty sure it was actually created by religion and until I met Nate I thought I would never go there - it seemed to be a contract absolutely loaded with 3D heaviness, constriction and obligation. But somehow we both knew that it was what we were supposed to do. It could not have been more obvious that getting married was our path, and we found a way to take the ceremony and commitment to a high-vibe free-flowing place. I wrote most of our vows and made sure they did not have any of the heaviness of the common phrases like “forsaking all others.” Our vows were about walking side by side together down this wonderful winding road of life and evolution. And our relationship from the beginning has been very un-restrictive and conscious, each of us always only wanting the best for one another - even if that means setting our partner free.
Even so, as our married years ticked by I could feel those old beliefs and programming around it trickling in. I began to be terrified of what would happen if I found a connection with another person. Something beyond simple attraction, but an actual spiritual draw to another. I started having nightmares about it - about connecting with another man only to remember that I was married, and just feeling myself torn in two. Because my husband is the last person in the world that I would EVER want to hurt, and yet in the dreams the compulsion to connect with another was so strong that to deny myself that experience would be to hurt myself. It was a total clash of the old programming vs. new programming. And in fact often in the dreams there would be very authoritative older people there pointing fingers and condemning me for betraying my husband. Total nightmare from the dark ages.
In old-world relationships, you put the other person first. When you get married, your duty is to basically love and serve that person, to put their needs before your own and make them happy. That person is your other half and therefore maintenance of their wellbeing is essential to your own. Especially for women, the history on this planet of being subservient to your husband is SUPER strong. In the new paradigm however, we are all independent and sovereign beings ourselves, and self-love and self-care comes first. You are two whole souls, journeying side by side. Knowing that if your cup is not full, you can’t adequately love another. So this whole relationship with Nate has been about releasing all that old programming - and the fucking GUILT that comes with it - and truly knowing that we each have to put ourselves first. To not do so will only create unhealthy attachment, resentment and block our flow of passion and evolution. Generations upon generations upon generations of old world heaviness to unravel.
I remember talking to my mum about marriage and if she’d ever experienced an attraction for someone else. And her reply was that of course she had, and that’s totally natural, but your CHOICE about what to do about it is what counts. And when you’re married, your choice should always be to be faithful to your wife or husband. At least her generation had moved beyond the judgment of natural attraction, but still the black-and-whiteness of it all was never going to be able to come forward into this new world we are creating.
I actually had a massive breakdown with my husband about this, following a night full of these awful dreams as described above. And he blew me away like he always does by being totally un-triggered by it, by being SO loving and supportive, light and easy about it all…. And all he did was reassure me that the last thing he would ever want is to cage me. He said he knows you can’t cage a soul like mine, that would be to destroy it. “You’re a butterfly” he said. “You can’t keep a butterfly in a cage.” He reassured me that all he wanted was for me to be true to myself and go after all that my heart desired… whether that took us in different directions or not. “We will always be best friends, no matter what.” He said. “All I care about is that you are happy and feel free to be you.”
The crazy thing is that I had SUCH a big block about this! My mum’s black and white programming about “it’s either one or the other” was sooooo strongly entrenched in my heart that for a long time I actually couldn’t take in what Nate was saying. I couldn’t understand how I could enjoy being in this incredibly joyful partnership with my husband and best friend, AND also be able to go and enjoy other connections if that’s what my soul was guiding me towards. I felt so selfish. Like I was wanting to have my cake and eat it too. There was so much guilt and judgment about it. It was fucking nuts. I had to cry it out so hard in order to start allowing the highest truth to sink in.
This I believe is the reason why Nate and I were meant to get married. To take ‘marriage’ into the new paradigm. To take the restrictions and rules that man has placed on love and fucking burn them. Because love is the essence of who and what we are, how on Earth could that possibly have walls and ceilings??
My world crumbled down around me last week when the knowledge sunk in that maybe Nate and I aren’t going to be together forever. That our paths may take us in different directions, or our partnership may shift out of what I had dreamed for us. It was so scary and destabilizing and heart-wrenching. Because as I said, I was very attached to the dream life I had planned with him. I had to grieve for it. For the future kids, the house, the joy I had seen SO CLEARLY in my mind. It was all shattering. And I felt like I couldn’t even talk to him about it because I felt like I was bound to hurt him with this truth that was coming through. But once again he amazed me. When I had my second gigantic breakdown of the week, he said to me, “You know what’s coming through for me right now? Maybe I wasn’t meant to walk the whole path with you. Maybe I was just meant to be a guide to walk with you to the mountain-top, and then allow you to soar and move onto bigger things.”
You can imagine how much I just cried and cried and cried to hear that. The gratitude, the respect, the relief, the grief, the crumbling within me…. Oh man how I cried. But what a guy. I could not have chosen a better team-mate to play out this Earth adventure with. He blew me away this past week all over again and I just feel so grateful.
So where does this leave us now? Well we are not ‘breaking up’ and are still very much together. When I tried to confide in a friend about all these big shifts he shocked me by asking “So will you get a divorce?”. It was such a 3D question on a 5D topic that it totally threw me off guard. No, we are not divorcing. We are fucking re-designing what marriage is. We are surrendering to our highest paths, whatever that might be. We are celebrating and honoring one another’s dreams and doing all we can to support them. We have had different dreams for a while now - he longs to travel the world and join the police force whereas I have been so focused on my spiritual healing and growth and believed that becoming a mother was the next step for me. We’ve actually been casually trying for a baby for a while and it hasn’t happened, probably because the Universe has bigger plans for us.
I have recently connected so strongly to the New Earth and have been feeling myself more and more aligned with that place. Destined to be one of the indigenous people there. That idea fills me with joy and a sense of rightness in my heart. Nate however… his purpose has always been to help people in whatever way he can. He’s one of those lightworkers who doesn’t know he’s one - he’s out among the ‘regular’ people (said with absolutely no judgment) just shining his light like the bright spark he is. He gets so much joy out of it. So maybe there is more work for him here in this world. The old Earth certainly needs as many Nate’s as it can get.
So right now, it’s just full surrender mode. A new path is opening before me. I don’t know the timing of it. It might not be YEARS until the things I’m seeing come to fruition. It could be next week. I don’t know. In the meantime I’m going to soak up every bit of beauty and joy from the life I’m living now, basking in the radiance of this incredible soul who chose to journey with me for a little while. How it’s all going to pan out, I have no idea. But what I do know is that in letting go of the life I had planned, I’ve made room for something SO much bigger and better. I feel that so strongly in my heart and I am truly walking around on cloud 9 right now. So if you’re feeling like I have felt - attached to your old life but pulled in a new direction - LET GO. It’s going to hurt, it’s going to be scary, there’s going to be grief. But WOW will it feel good afterwards. Trust me on that.
I love you all.