It’s been over 7 months since I last felt compelled to sit down at the keyboard and write a post, and the reason for that is that I’ve been in such a powerful transitory phase, and I couldn’t write about it until I had the sense of landing somewhere. I generally write from a place of conclusion and understanding, and I’m only just getting there. I’m landing now, and I would love to tell you guys about the journey I’ve been on and the new place I find myself in.
A few big things have happened since my last post. Firstly, I turned 30. Which felt like an incredibly significant portal to pass through. I found myself energetically and emotionally overwhelmed by the occasion in much the same way I was when I got engaged and married. My system was racing at a million miles per hour and I had trouble sleeping, followed by overpowering tiredness and sleeping a LOT (which is generally my pattern with integrating big shifts). I have had such a positive feeling about my 30’s for a really long time and it truly did feel like crossing over into a new golden era of my life.
That feeling only intensified when we passed into 2018. Once again I had the sense of a new way calling me forward. It was a very different New Years than I’ve had in previous years - I felt a real call inward and all I wanted was peace and quiet and calm reflection. While parties were raging all around me, I felt enclosed in a serene cocoon. It was such a clear demonstration of two realities existing side by side! Of course my old self reared her head a couple of times to say WTF are you doing, this is supposed to be “the best night of the year” - but my new self felt nothing but relief that I didn’t need to play that game anymore. It was such a beautiful transition into the new year and I’m so grateful I followed my intuition about it and honored what I felt deep inside was the right way to mark the occasion. And the joy of waking up on January 1st without a hangover could not be denied!
The third HUGE thing that has happened since my last post is that I joined a group called Fractal, which is a truly inspiring and exciting movement based on a new paradigm of sacred economics and abundance for all. While my initial excitement about joining was mostly based around the money and the financial freedom I would experience, I had no idea that Fractal would turn out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life - for so many other reasons. I was not expecting at all that I would connect with the most potently awe-inspiring people, make friends for life, and be utterly transformed on every level of my being by this incredibly empowering process. I almost said no when initially invited, but some small part of me said “Fuck it, let’s find out more. Can’t hurt.” And now I have Fractal to thank for being the most powerful vehicle in my life, carrying me into the new world and transforming me into my true self. It has been the most positive, healing and activating journey I could ever have imagined and I’m so endlessly grateful for it!
When I first started Fractal, I was very much still operating in my old ways. Not my old OLD ways - pre-awakening - but the ways that I had found success operating through life since becoming spiritually awake. I was very much about intentional manifestation, making shit happen, and putting all my energy and focus in a specific direction in order to achieve results. In other words, basic Law of Attraction stuff. In the fractal process each person is required to bring in 2 trusted friends, and as a group you are also collectively manifesting and calling in the abundance that each of you will receive. It is all an energy game, and at first I was like “YES, this is what I’ve been working towards and preparing for my whole life! I am the queen of LOA and this is my JAM.”
I experienced success with my tried and true methods for the first little while in my Fractal journey, but then a curious thing started happening. Gradually, those old ways stopped working. And the more I tried and tried to keep pushing for success through those means, the more I was just making myself stressed without actually getting anywhere. I felt like I was losing control, and it was a scary feeling. I started getting tension headaches every day; my brain literally trying to HOLD ON and regain power over what was happening. But it just didn’t work.
What was occurring within me was the crumbling of the old paradigm of control. My ego and masculine aspects were fighting to hold onto it, but the power of the 5D Fractal energy and the new world calling me forward was much stronger. I had an uncomfortable couple of weeks battling with myself over this before I finally conceded that I needed to change and try something new. So instead of pushing and trying, I surrendered. I handed it over. I asked the Universe and my team for what I wanted, and I let go of how and when it would come to me. And low and behold, I achieved immediate and unexpected results with this strategy.
This was my initiation into the new paradigm of ALLOWING. This is the new mastery. And it’s been such a profound shift for me that I’ve felt like I have had to throw out the old rulebook and totally start again. This was so unexpected for me, because I’d been awake for many years and truly thought I had this game figured out. But I entered a new level of the game and regressed from master to student once more.
As I surrendered more and more, my overwhelming excitement about Fractal started dwindling. It scared me because for so long I’d operated in the mentality that following your highest excitement was the road to success and alignment. And then that excitement and enthusiasm started melting away and I wondered many times if that meant that Fractal was not for me anymore. Luckily that excitement became replaced with a calm grounded feeling of rightness. It took me a while to stop judging these more subtle feelings and keep looking for the old excitement, but this was another symptom of my shift into the new way of being.
If you’ve read my previous post (The Story of Awakening) then you’ll know that I used a wall as a metaphor for this journey into a new world. I guess you could say that the past several months I’ve been extricating myself from the barbed wire that bound me to the wall. And when I finally surrendered, that was my first steps into the land on the other side.
Let me tell you more about this new place. Once I stepped into it, I finally understood what people were talking about when they said that time is not linear. I FELT it for the first time. It felt like my journey to that point had been very directional (past, present and future), and then suddenly it was totally directionLESS. I used the example at the time of feeling like I’d been floating down a river and then suddenly I reached the ocean and I was out in the middle of it, bobbing like a cork, with no direction. Just floating. This to me talks of the constructs of time being different, as well as the way that we relate to life in this new paradigm.
There is a Mooji quote that absolutely captured me as I made this transition; “Your life is unfolding naturally. Leave it be! It does not need any help. Stay as neutral awareness.”
This Rumi quote also had a whole new level of meaning for me: “When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety. If I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without pain. From this I understand that what I want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great secret here for anyone who can grasp it.”
These two quotes sum it up so much better than I could. And it was exciting for me to see that these masters had been experiencing this new place and these new ways for YEARS, and that without being taught by them, I was landing at the same conclusions.
The way I relate to life now, the way I operate through it has completely changed. I’ve stopped trying to be in control of everything and I’ve utterly surrendered to the flow of my own life. Every time I try to plan things out now, or put a certain time-frame on anything, it all falls apart. It doesn’t flow, it doesn’t happen like I thought it would, it ends up being a whole lot of effort with no great results. Life has been teaching me again and again and again that this is not the way to success anymore.
Now, I exist in the present moment - which before was completely impossible for me - and I barely think about the future. I used to practically LIVE in the future! Always manifesting my butt off, intentionally calling in what I wanted. Now just the thought of all that effort makes my head hurt. There is no need for it. My higher self and the universe know what I want, and my most ideal path to get there is continuously unfolding. There is nothing for me to do but surrender and allow it to happen. This whole transition has been about getting out of my own way.
As I move more and more into this new place, I am utterly blossoming. In the way I have envisaged for YEARS now, and yet I never thought it would come about like this. It is not a striving, but a melting. I am settling into myself. I am more confident than I have ever been, I am owning who I am like I never have, and I am trusting myself and my wisdom and intuition more than ever. My social anxiety is dissolving away which in itself is the most incredible miracle. The opinions of others don’t effect me anymore. I didn’t realize how present they were until they were gone. It’s like someone turned off the background noise and now I wake up in the morning feeling so peaceful, instead of feeling my anxiety building as the voices of others all chime in about how I should be spending my day. I woke up like that every fucking day of my life until recently, it’s insane to think about. And now it’s fading away.
This radical rebirthing of my Self prompted an almost obsessive purging of my past selves. When we had those big solar flares a couple of weeks ago I experienced a whole week of feeling like I was on crack (lol) - staying up until at least 4am each night drastically reworking my social media accounts. As I deleted dozens upon dozens of old pictures and posts on my Facebook and Instagram, I felt the weight of the past fall away. The phone in my hand literally felt lighter. It was amazing. I felt like I was re-branding myself; powerfully refining the vibration I send out into the world. I began sharing more of myself on Instagram, bravely baring all in ways I would never have had the courage to do before. And yes, it scared the shit out of me at first, but the inspiration to do it was so strong and it is so completely liberating to just not care anymore what people think.
I have the sense that I have been crouched in on myself my whole life, spiritually hunched over, hiding and playing small. Now my back is straightening, my shoulders are moving back, and my wings are opening up. I am unfurling from a half-life into a fully lived experience of every moment. It feels incredible. I am also not being drained or bombarded by others anymore. I am not energetically entangling with others anymore. I feel free, detached, sovereign and independent. My mind is clear, my body is light, and I’m just existing in this place of total faith and trust, KNOWING that only good things lay ahead - so why worry? Why even think about it? That will only limit the possibilities. All I have to do is BE.
This has not happened overnight, and I am not all the way there yet. Surrendering is happening in pieces, not all at once. It takes time, commitment and a whole lot of self awareness to change the way you’ve always done things. I am still clearing attachments and patterns from my past, but it’s getting easier and easier to do so. Because this new energy is so strong. Gentle, peaceful, but undeniably powerful.
I am so so grateful for this journey and the magical unexpected turns it has taken. I am endlessly thankful for Fractal and all the extraordinary souls it has connected me with, who have held my hand and uplifted and celebrated me as I make this transition. I am super excited about the future but in a vague sort of way, because it really doesn’t matter so much anymore. This moment right here, as I sit by the window on my laptop, with a gentle breeze blowing in… the washing machine is making its symphony of noises and there are birds singing outside… my husband is on the couch doing work stuff and forgetting every 2 minutes that I said I need to concentrate on my writing and not talk to him (lol).. And my cat is outside on the deck bathing in the sun. This moment right here, is perfect.
If any of you would like to hear more about Fractal please comment below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org