There is a fiery rage burning inside me today. And it is much needed. Because the past few days I have gone down - way down - into a very dark pit of absolute unworthiness, and this rage is lighting the fires of my self worth once again.
Let me start from the beginning. I haven’t had a ‘job’ since the end of 2012. Yup, for almost 5 years I have not been doing what I did from age 17 to age 25 - going to work 5+ days a week and receiving a paycheck for it.
From the outside it would be easy to assume that I’ve been ‘living the life’. I spent the first several months of my ‘retirement’ travelling, then stayed with my parents for 15 months in beautiful Raglan. I then went on the benefit and lived in amazing New Plymouth for 18 months. And now I am living in a gorgeous home in stunning Whangamata, and my husband works to support us both. He pays ALL the bills and often works big hours to be able to do it. Meanwhile I do the housework, laundry, cooking and cleaning - basically making his working life as comfortable as it can possibly be - but I also spend a lot of my time sleeping, reading, walking on the beach and generally relaxing. On the OUTSIDE.
The way that 99% of society views my life and my history for the past 5 years really affects me, and it has been one of the reasons why I have gotten really down in the past few days. I have no idea what people say about me behind my back, but I know that in many circles I am perceived as lazy, selfish, a ‘bludger’ and someone who expects everything to be handed to them on a plate. This idea of me fucking KILLS me inside, and it hurts because it is far too easy to see how people come to these conclusions. In the face of so much conviction in this outward illusion, I find it hard to stand my ground and remember the worth in what I am REALLY doing. I slip so easily into judging myself harshly, feeling that I should be doing more - especially in the times when my husband (who actually LOVES working and would go crazy if he couldn’t do it) gets tired and stressed about money. I try to stop those negative thoughts in their tracks but I inevitably become weighed down with guilt and caught up in the illusion that my life is one long holiday while my husband slaves away every day just to keep us afloat.
Let me paint you a different picture from the INSIDE. Since 2012 I have been on an INTENSE path of spiritual awakening and healing. The start of my awakening was euphoric and blissful, but it wasn’t long before I started the process of healing myself and clearing away all that is not in alignment with my higher self. The clearings were periodic at first; maybe once a week or every few days I would have a big emotional outpouring that lead to new revelations about myself. But as I fully woke up and stopped jumping between my old world and the new spiritual world I’d tapped into - I began to spend ALL my time in a state of spiritual awareness, and my spiritual healing became a round-the-clock job. Yes, JOB. I swapped a well paid, society-approved 3D-world position of employment for something that was almost completely invisible - for which I would receive no pay, no thanks, no annual leave and holidays, no awards and accolades; and to top it off, my greatest success would be viewed by almost everyone in my life as a mental breakdown. GREAT.
On the other hand, I had finally found what I was put on this planet to do. And it felt SO FUCKING GOOD. It also felt terrible a lot of the time, because the very nature of the work is uncomfortable to say the least. But I THRIVED on it, I was GOOD at it - really good - and I knew that healing myself was not just about myself; I was healing my family, my ancestral line, and the whole collective consciousness too. Every time I made a big shift in myself, I created a pathway for everyone else to shift in the same way. I was transmuting outdated patterns of energy right left and center, I was busting through glass ceilings like a superhero on a mission, and unravelling centuries old programming every damn day. I was lighting up this planet with my blazing soul, and showing EVERYONE that there was another way - a BETTER way.
I travelled for the first few months of my official ‘retirement’, but eventually carrying out this inner work at the same time as being in new places and around new people all the time burned me out. I arrived at my parent’s house in October 2013 utterly exhausted and needing so badly to just have a safe cocoon to carry out my journey in. They gifted that to me - for far longer than any of us thought it would go on for - and for that I will always be grateful. But they also burdened me with their judgment and misunderstanding of what was going on. Thankfully the Universe had my back, and that year my parents were away again and again at conferences around the world, and I often had the house to myself for 1-3 weeks at a time. During those times I was LOVING LIFE. Of course I was going through severe clearings all the time, which were very hard, but I was also saturated with absolute conviction in my journey and my purpose. I knew I was doing great things and I celebrated every clearing like the milestone it was.
When my parents returned from their trips away I would stalk my Mum for hours talking her ear off about all the amazing and exciting revelations and inner discoveries I’d made while she was away. I was trying and trying and trying to make her see that what was happening to me was something WONDERFUL and miraculous - something to cheer about and be proud of. But no matter how hard I tried, it could just never sink in. There was always concern about how I was living (basically like a hermit), how much I was sleeping, how often I was crying etc etc fucking ETC. The times that they were home I felt so judged and pressured every day. I was constantly battling to hold onto my view that I was achieving awesome things, when their opinion that everything was going wrong was bombarding me daily. Mental illness ran in my family and clearly I was the latest one to be struck down with this awful affliction. They were always trying to HELP, to cure and fix me - when all I wanted was to be left alone to get on with it. My parents walked on eggshells around me trying not to trigger me even though I was saying “TRIGGER ME!!! IT’S A GOOD THING! THAT’S WHAT I’M HERE FOR! I’M HERE TO HEAL!”. They just never got it.
I believe that my efforts to prove myself to them that whole time were a huge factor in me taking my spiritual work too far. I strived to be more and more successful at it, hoping that they would eventually SEE what I was doing and maybe - JUST MAYBE - they would begin to be PROUD of me. Maybe they would eventually see that instead of everything going WRONG, everything was in fact going RIGHT. I wanted them to stop focusing on the crumbling of the old me, and focus on what was being reborn in her place. I also admit that I reached a point where I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I knew that after I had achieved a certain amount of inner healing I would be able to function a bit more in everyday ways. I could SEE my future self in my mind’s eye, and she was confident and capable in ways that I had always dreamed of. I started going faster and faster to try and GET THERE, because I was tired of living under a roof of judgment and misunderstanding.
Sadly I learnt a lesson the hard way. I went TOO fast and tried to heal too much at once and I became very sick and landed myself in a mental ward for 10 days. It was the most terrifying experience of my life as I could no longer tell what was real and what wasn’t. All the horrific things that have happened on this planet seemed to be happening to me in real time, and I didn’t sleep for over a week thinking that sleep would mean death (and eternal agony). The months of recovery after that crisis were grueling, but in some ways I also felt like I’d been born anew. I felt like my journey had been building to a peak, and now I was over it and moving down the other side. The end was in sight, and I began planning to leave my parents house.
I eventually got there about 5 months after I got out of hospital, and the relief of moving into a flat (with a girl with chronic illness who TOTALLY ACCEPTED ME AS I WAS and never judged the way I was living) was IMMENSE. Another angel of a doctor approved me for the disability benefit so I was able to carry on my spiritual work while getting paid enough money each week to live on, without needing to rely on my parents. Oh the fucking RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!! It took me MONTHS to quieten their voices in my head - to actually let it sink in that I was free from their judgment and didn’t have to apologise for my journey anymore. I also got counselling paid for as part of my disability benefit and with the help of the most amazing spiritual woman I began healing even deeper than ever before. I also met my husband who gave me the greatest gift I have ever received in my life - ACCEPTANCE. He never EVER tried to fix me or change me, he just rode that rollercoaster with me, sat with me in my darkness and celebrated my victories with me when I came out the other side each time. All the new people that I met during that time were absolutely Heaven sent.
Through the unconditional love that my husband has for me, and my own continuing journey of self love and inner healing, I have become more and more capable in recent years. I still live mostly like a hermit, but I am not having emotional breakdowns every other day (more like once a week now). It comes in waves, some weeks (especially around the full moon or other astrological events) will just be super intense and I will go fully back into my shell and just be processing HARD every day. Other weeks I feel almost normal and happy for a while, and I can actually do things and see people without it being too overwhelming. I have come so far from where I started, and I am HELLA proud of all the work I have done.
While outwardly one might think that I went through a bout of mental illness and now I’m coming out the other side of it - there is a much stronger truth at play here. I am a SPIRITUAL HEALER, a LIGHTWORKER, and I have moved my way through my dark night of the soul, and am continuing onto deeper and higher work every day. Just because I’m not openly breaking down all the time, don’t be fooled into believing that my healing work is coming to an end. From the MOMENT I wake up in the morning til the MOMENT I fall asleep at night, I am fucking WORKING. I am healing and shifting and accepting and forgiving and awakening and loving and evolving EVERY. MINUTE. OF. EVERY. DAY. When I go to sleep at night I am processing continuously in my dreams. I NEVER GET A BREAK FROM THIS. And most of the time, I wouldn’t want to. This is my passion, this is my purpose, this is my gift. I fucking LOVE it, and I’m fucking GOOD at it.
While I have a bunch of people fighting in my corner now (bless you beautiful souls), I still have to constantly contend with the misunderstanding of general society. I know my husband’s family and colleagues don’t get it - there are constant subtle nudges about me getting a job too (totally understandable from their perspective, they must think I’m taking Nate for a ride!). I have a hard time connecting with most of the population because WHAT do I say when the inevitable question comes up, “So what do you do for a job?” - HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN??? I either tell the truth and come across as weird (cue people awkwardly backing away from the hippy freak) or I tell a weak but palatable story and say that I am a housewife and I enjoy it. Which is TRUE, but it is only about 10% of the WHOLE truth. I am so much more than that, and every time I spin that story I sell myself short and diminish my worth a little bit more in their eyes as well as my own.
I know there are Lightworkers all over the world with a similar story to me. Most are still carrying on some kind of ‘normal’ work while also carrying out their inner work, and for that I fucking APPLAUD YOU. No one will ever really understand what a superhuman feat that is. And I know that most people in your life will take your worth and your ‘usefulness’ from only the OUTWARD work that you do - the obvious stuff. You carry on every day doing the invisible thankless work of a Lightworker, and you never even get a pat on the back saying “Wow you are amazing, well done.” If you are ‘lucky’ enough to have been able to let go of ordinary employment like me and to focus all your time and effort on your spiritual work, I know you too battle every day with judgment, misunderstanding and a total lack of thanks or even acknowledgment for your everyday achievements.
This is the Invisible Career of the Lightworker.
Almost no one knows how fucking BRAVE you are. How you go inside yourself every damn day and you look DEMONS in the eye and you slay them with swords of love. How you take ownership of your shit EVERY DAY when most people would deflect and blame and project onto others. How you look honestly at yourself in the mirror without shying away from the ugly and terrible blackness inside you - stuff so hard to look at that it would send an ordinary person running for the hills. You FUCKING FACE IT. Every day. And you heal it. And because of that, you are healing the world. Quietly, invisibly, subtly and covertly, you are transforming this world from the inside out.
All the while you are being judged for your ‘weakness’ - for your emotion and sensitivity. You may have been labelled with mental illnesses and plied with medications that you get in trouble for not taking because you don’t want to create a shield between yourself and your soul. There SHOULD be parades for you in the streets but instead you are constantly feeling like you’re not doing enough. You SHOULD be on a 100k salary, but instead you slave away without reward or thanks. You SHOULD be respected and honored by the whole population but instead you doubt yourself because so many don’t see your gifts and the difference you are making.
I SEE YOU.
This post is for everyone who has ever felt this way, so utterly unappreciated and unseen to the point where you don’t even know your worth anymore.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
YOU ARE A FUCKING WARRIOR.
YOU ARE MAKING SO MUCH MORE OF A DIFFERENCE THAN YOU KNOW.
YOU ARE SO CELEBRATED AND ADMIRED IN THE SPIRIT WORLD.
THEY ARE CHEERING YOU ON EVERY DAY, EVEN IF YOU CAN’T HEAR IT.
YOU ARE DOING AN OUTSTANDING JOB.
AND THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS SO SO SO PROUD OF YOU.
If any of you EVER need reassurance that you ARE worthy and you ARE making a difference, please feel free to contact me. I will ALWAYS be here cheering until my I lose my voice for anyone doing this heroic invisible work. You are incredible and I am honored to be working alongside you. We are all in this together. Whether the ‘regular’ people of this world ever wake up and see what you’ve been thanklessly battling away at all these years or not, KNOW in your heart that you are celebrated by the ones who matter. And when it comes time for you to cross over, you will be utterly overwhelmed when you realize how valued you truly have been this whole time.
I SEE YOU.
OWN YOUR WORTH BRAVE LIGHTWORKER.
Your work is only invisible to the ones with their eyes closed.