Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Unplug from the Matrix

In October 2014 I had what I now know is called a spiritual crisis. Not to be confused with a spiritual awakening, which I’d been experiencing for a couple of years already. A spiritual crisis is like a drastic awakening happening all at once. It can happen to people who have no spiritual awareness whatsoever, and if anyone has gone through this without having a major breakdown of some kind, they deserve an award. When a spiritual crisis hits you, you suddenly open up to higher knowledge and frequencies that the body and mind cannot properly compute; so you go into meltdown and don’t know what’s real anymore.

My crisis resulted in a ten day stint in a psychiatric ward, and long months of recovery trying to process everything I saw and felt. But while a lot of what I experienced was horrifying and scary, there was also so much that was amazing and miraculous. And there was a particular moment of pure ecstatic epiphany that I will never forget. While in the hospital waiting room I moved in a heartbeat from crushing fear and guilt, to LAUGHING out loud at how perfect everything was. In one moment I saw that EVERYTHING was LOVE and all of it was PERFECT. I saw and understood that there was a grand plan unfolding on Earth and that EVERYTHING - in my life and on the planet in general - was happening exactly as it was meant to.

And that, I believe, is the moment that my life hit the reset button.

For days after that moment I could sense my team (my angels and guides etc) CHEERING around me. While I was being wheeled from the general hospital to the psych ward in a wheelchair because I was too weak and exhausted to walk, I could feel them dancing around me like a pack of partying teenagers - I’m pretty sure there was even someone sitting on my lap having a ride on the wheelchair and whooping! And it went on for DAYS. The cheering was on a magnitude of parades being thrown in my honour in the streets. I felt like I’d done something absolutely extraordinary that had changed the world. I was so happily confused about what that was.

It wasn’t until months later that my besty and I had a really trippy afternoon in her backyard where she went into full psychic mode and a lot of my burning questions were answered. And when I asked what the cheering was about, she replied, “It was because you’d ended one path and started a new one.”

Which made so much sense. Having a spiritual crisis has been compared to reincarnating again in the same life. It really was like I’d been born again. Like I’d been right to death’s door (which I had - in fact I felt myself die again and again during that time) and I’d chosen to LIVE. Suitably, Spring arrived while I was in the hospital. The day I drove home it was like the whole world had been reborn, and everywhere I looked there was new life blossoming in stunning vibrance. It was four months later that I met Nate and started a glorious new journey with him.

Since that time of the great RESET, I have been aware of a phenomenon within me that I have also witnessed in many people around me. And I wanted to blog about my experience of this to perhaps give others some clarity and hope if they are feeling lost in this unusual process. What I’m referring to is feeling as though there is an OLD you, and a NEW you…. Both existing at once inside you. With different plans, different desires, different personalities - different everything! Which can obviously make it very hard to know where the fuck you’re supposed to be going in life!

This phenomenon became most obvious to me when the time came for me to leave my parent’s place (where I had been living in spiritual solitude for over a year) and to move on and begin a new life. And I very nearly moved to Melbourne. I had a flight booked, I was sorting out somewhere to live, I was applying for jobs and learning all about the city that was to be my new home. And I was SO EXCITED ABOUT IT. Prior to my spiritual awakening I had been living in Sydney and enjoying the ultimate life of a young single party girl, and I missed it so much. Sometimes I cried for that life while I was holed up by myself in Raglan. The happiest times of my life had been tearing up dance floors on a Saturday night. And I was so ready to throw myself back into that scene again in Melbourne and re-experience all the things I’d yearned for during my healing. I was HIGH on excitement about it, and all my plans were totally flowing. It felt like I was on the right track and the universe was supporting me. I couldn’t wait to get over there.

And then, two weeks before I was due to fly out, my cousin from New Plymouth came to stay in Raglan with a small group of her friends. And I just had the BEST weekend. I really connected with her group and felt so SEEN and HEARD and APPRECIATED for who I really was, and everything I’d been through. We went out dancing, went skinny dipping in the harbour at night, we went to the beach and the shops during the day; I even had a little romance with one of the guys! And it was just so EFFORTLESS. There was such a warm and loving feeling about it all, and my cousin left with the offer of putting me up in New Plymouth so I could check out the lifestyle there.

I was so confused. I just did not know what to do. On the one hand I had this exciting and exhilarating life in Melbourne awaiting me, and on the other hand I had a different life that seemed to offer warmth, fun, acceptance, happiness and friendship in a way that I’d never experienced before.

It was so bewildering because up until my crisis, my life motto had been “Follow your highest excitement.” It was how I was guided by my team - how I made decisions in my life and how I knew I was on the right track. If I was BOUNCING with excitement, passion and inspiration about something, I knew I was going in the right direction. It NEVER failed me. And I’d had some really incredible experiences by doing things that way. The guidance was SO CLEAR, I really couldn’t go wrong.

But then suddenly there was this NEW feeling, and it was so much more gentle and subtle that I could easily have missed it. It was like the difference between taking ecstasy and feeling totally wildly ridiculously happy… compared to a feeling of deep, grounded, sweet, fulfilling contentment. And I’d never felt that before. Suddenly the enthusiasm and energy going on the direction of Melbourne was still there, but it was FINITE. It would go and go, and then abruptly peter out. Plans that had been falling into place like magic were suddenly falling through. Everything would flow, and then nothing would flow. It was like my tank for that energy was running out. Whereas the new gentle energy was constantly burning away like a warm ember.

Thank God for my besty who threw doubt over my whole Melbourne scheme and encouraged me to give New Plymouth a go. Because a week after I moved to New Plymouth, I met the man who is now my husband.

And funnily enough, the way I felt about him, was (and still is) that same warm, golden, gentle, loving feeling. That’s the energy I got from him, and that’s the way he made me feel. And that sweet little ember slowly and gradually began building into a powerful flame.

As I talked about in My Unconventional Fairytale - it took me a long time to settle into my relationship with Nate. Because I KEPT looking for that old excitement. I kept thinking something was missing because it was a deep slow burn instead of the crazy fireworks I’d experienced in the past (which inevitably fizzled out). But this confusion and searching for those old feelings wasn’t just happening in my relationship, it was happening in all parts of my life.

I was grateful to discover a thriving nightlife when I moved to New Plymouth, as I thought that meant I would get the best of both worlds - the wonderful warm friendship and connection I’d felt in Raglan as well as an outlet for my inner party girl. And I really did rage for the first few weeks. Not in the way I used to - most of the time I was going to town sober - but I danced my ass off and had such a great time. But as the months went by I started finding myself having moments of total energy loss while out partying. I would be having heaps of fun, and then all of a sudden I would just feel FLAT. I would look around me and the whole scene just felt pointless and fake. And I wouldn’t even be able to dance anymore. Which was horrible for me because dancing and music had ALWAYS been my ultimate go-to for happiness. It was the one thing that never failed to lift my spirits and make me feel joyfully alive. And it was fading away.

It honestly scared the shit out of me, as well as saddening me. I spent many nights walking home from town with Nate with tears in my eyes and my stomach churning with anxiety. Because if I wasn’t that girl, who the hell was I? My whole self love journey that I’d been working on for years was based around LOVING being that person. My party girl was the person I’d always dreamed of being, and the person that other people gravitated to. I was the bright beautiful spark on the dance floor that lit the place up. But that spark was going out. And once again I felt like there was an energy tank that was beginning to run low. My party girl tank was on its last legs and I was devastated.

I stayed away from town for a few weeks to see if it was just a depressive phase I was going through - I thought that maybe I was just healing and processing something and that I would pop out the other side and be brighter than ever. Oh I knew the party girl was a persona and a mask. And I knew I had to work on releasing that. But I honestly believed that it was a persona based on the true me. I thought that I’d been inspired to be that person because that was who I really was. I thought the excitement and passion for that life had come directly from my soul. And it probably did, in part. But it also came from the wounded, younger, bullied me, who in school looked at the popular beautiful girls who got all the guys and were so sure of themselves and didn’t seem to have a care in the world… and at a young age I said, “That’s going to be me one day.”

So the OLD ME was created not from authenticity, but from a deep childhood wound. And the path of that younger me had run out. I tried town one more time after having a decent break away, and I walked home that night in tears. It was gone. The energy and inspiration for that life, that scene, that persona, was totally gone. It genuinely broke my heart.

As time went by, I seemed to flick back and forth between the two Me’s. I still got disoriented all the time, because I seemed to have two sets of desires within me. The old me often wasn’t happy with me, with my life, with my choice of partner even! I had many many days of crying my eyes out, feeling like an absolute failure. Feeling like I was totally wasting my life by not being who I’d always dreamed of being - and not living this extraordinary life I’d had planned for myself. I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t this outgoing extroverted glow stick, but in fact a deep, spiritual, introverted woman. I realized that was why I’d struggled with chronic anxiety for all those years that were the ‘happiest of my life’ - because I’d been constantly pretending to be something I wasn’t.

During the times when I felt connected to my NEW self (and trust me, although it seems clear now it took me SO LONG to work out which was the old and which was the new - so convinced was I that I knew who I was) - I had times of utter clarity about my life. Of seeing all of my past experiences and relationships and KNOWING that I’d planned them all. I’d written all those stories. It was all just a soap opera that I’d designed before incarnating. And it was all so perfect and beautiful. At those times I disconnected from the trauma and fear of those experiences and felt nothing but gratitude for the lessons I’d learned and the wisdom I’d gained.

I also began to ground in my body in a way I never had before. Until this started happening I didn’t even realize that I’d spent most of my life floating somewhere above myself, half-in-half-out of my body. I started moving more slowly and certainly; sometimes I felt like a goddess walking around, kissing the Earth with my feet.

When my life hit the giant reset button, I was moved onto a higher path. And even though I’d had this incredible life all planned out and I really WANTED that, there was a better plan for me. A BEAUTIFUL plan that I now know is leading me to a kind of happiness that I never believed possible. But you can’t make a shift like that overnight. And I think that this is something a LOT of people are experiencing right now. Because there is undoubtedly joy at this new feeling and new energy, but there is also grief and fear and confusion about why everything that was once so good seems to be fading away. If you’re going through this, I feel you.

The way I felt about Nate became my compass. That warm golden loving feeling became my North. Because I came to realize that if I followed the old energy of overwhelming excitement, it would inevitably splutter and die. But this new feeling was like a slowly expanding river of goodness that was carrying me along to better things.

I’ve read about this phenomena from different people in different ways. I read a few months ago that when we do things the same way for a very long time, it really does create a ‘river of energy’ in that direction. And what does a river do? It FLOWS. I read that what we’re being challenged to do now, is create a NEW river of energy. Which is no mean feat. The flow in the old direction is so strong and easy and tempting, it’s so much simpler to let yourself be carried along that way. But the urge to build something new gets stronger. So you start with a little stream. And you build on it, and build on it, and gradually the flow in the new direction becomes even more powerful than the old river. And I guess the goal is to fully transfer that mother over! But when you’re in the middle of this process and going equally in two directions, it can be hella confusing.

Other sources have talked about it in terms of the Old Earth and the New Earth. Which also makes a lot of sense to me, and I believe it’s just different terms for the same phenomena. We have lived in the 3D matrix all our lives, and many lives before this one! The pull to be there and stay there is extremely strong. But the new 5D reality is also calling us. And the reason it feels different is because it’s a totally different frequency. I remember reading that as we get into the higher dimensions, although we are vibrating FASTER, in fact everything - life included - SLOWS DOWN. It’s so much more about BEING than DOING. Which can lead to feelings of boredom and restlessness - when you are used to the fast exciting pace of 3D, 5D can feel like a drag! Until you get used to it.

If you’ve read my previous posts you’ll know that I’ve recently cut ties with the majority of my family. And as those energetic cords fall away more and more, so too do my connections to the 3D world. The difference between the two is SO MUCH MORE CLEAR now. That’s why when I ended my relationship with my mother, it felt like my head was suddenly clear - like all this complication and white noise had been removed from me. Her 3D energy had been keeping me tangled in that world while I was trying my absolute hardest to move onto the higher plane! I just didn’t realize what was really going on for a long time.

The funny thing is, shortly before my crisis I was hit with an overwhelming KNOWING that I was going to be leaving my family and everyone I knew behind in the old world and moving onto the new one alone. It came to me again and again, with stunning clarity, and I remember bawling my eyes out and looking at my mum and saying, “I don’t want to stop looking at you because I feel like I’m never going to see you again.” I actually wrote to everyone I loved, even people I’d lost touch with, and said thank you and goodbye (which made me look super weird when nothing happened lol!). At the time it made no sense but now it’s all falling into place. This whole issue with my mum has made it SO CLEAR that we are genuinely living in DIFFERENT REALITIES. And I think we were both just holding on - while clashing more and more.

Now that I am breaking free, I am finding that in each moment I have a choice of what reality to tap into. It is a CHOICE, and I have to be mindful about it. Because my default setting is still 3D. But if I concentrate, it’s actually very easy to let that go and be in the stillness and peace of 5D. I had some great experimentation with this over the weekend when Nate and I travelled to Auckland. We live in such a beautiful small beach town here in Whangamata and hadn’t been to a big city for a while, and as we merged with more and more traffic on the motorway in we both became overwhelmed with it all. He started having a physical reaction to the car fumes and I started having an energetic reaction - I wanted to curl in on myself and my OCD about cleanliness went into overdrive (I started wet-wiping everything LOL).

But then a message came from my team, “Unplug from the Matrix.”

They said, “You can be IN this world, without being OF it.”

And so I practised. And immediately all my muscles relaxed, I felt light again in my body and my thoughts, and I felt safe. It was really quite extraordinary. I was walking around a big outdoor shopping mall and there was so much that would normally bombard me, but I felt light and calm. Like none of that dense and dirty energy could touch me. It was a real revelation, and so amazing to have such a lucid experience of the two realities co-existing at once.

So if you are experiencing this same perplexing phenomena of feeling like there are two YOU’s, and two paths ahead of you, and you’re wondering which way am I supposed to go?? Which one is the REAL one?? Just know that it DOES get clearer. It does get easier. And it doesn’t really matter how long you spend flicking back and forth between paths, you WILL find your way. The subtle gentle energy that you may be feeling from your new path (and the new you) will get STRONGER. And although it may feel insignificant compared to the wild and wonderful feelings and experiences of your past, just know that it is anything but. It is the birthing energy of heaven on Earth. It is what we came here to create. And it is SO SO BEAUTIFUL.

I’ve read from many different sources that eventually these two worlds will split fully apart. When and how that’s going to happen, I don’t know. I’ve heard that it will be a gradual process taking many years, and I’ve also heard that it will happen in one glorious instant - one epic and divine event of choosing to stay put or to go forward. I don’t know which is true. But what I DO KNOW is that you can choose NOW. Choose to go forward to the new Earth. If you have been drawn to reading this then you are already on your way. Those that are staying put in the 3D world would never have energetically aligned with this blog. And that’s just fine. That’s their path and it’s perfect too. But if you are feeling that inner urge to transform and dream of something better for yourself and for this planet, then choose to UNPLUG FROM THE MATRIX.

There is a lot of chaos and craziness happening in the 3D world right now. From the collective’s perspective, Earth is basically fucked. Everything is going to shit and humanity is headed for extinction once again. But from the 5D perspective, it’s all perfect. It’s all love and it’s all part of a great plan. What I know now is that in that moment in the hospital waiting room in 2014, I broke through to 5D for the first time. Like I was really THERE. And from that moment on, my 5D path was born. And it has led me on the most beautiful journey. When I tap into my future, that golden river of energy just keeps blossoming and expanding endlessly. It feels SO GOOD. If you’re like me and you’re leaving behind a lot of POSITIVE stuff in the 3D world, I am sending you a huge hug because I know it can be hard and scary and saddening. And I am also letting you know, “Everything’s going to be ok.” It will all be worth it.

Take that leap, keep damming that river into a new flow, and you will move towards the greatest joy and love and inner peace of your existence. This is what you are here for. Let’s unplug from the drama and the fear and move forward together like the badass Lightworkers we are. I celebrate you today, thank you for being here.




Saturday, 4 February 2017

My Untold Story Pt.2

I want to begin by thanking everyone, from the bottom of my heart and soul, who has been reading and encouraging my writing. Thank you to those who have commented publicly or contacted me privately to let me know how much my stories and sharing mean to you. I am not joking when I say that you guys are keeping me sane. And you keep drawing me back to the life that I’m meant to be living, when negative energies keep pulling me in other directions. I am so far beyond grateful - thank you thank you thank you.

Two nights ago I had an argument with my sister that resulted in her saying she doesn’t want me to contact her anymore. If you’ve read my first post on this blog - My Untold Story - you will know that I am not on great terms with a lot of my family right now, due to issues with my mother. My sister and I have always been very close and although I’ve felt that she’s heavily (and understandably) taken my mother’s side in this drama, when she read my blog post about it all I felt like I got through to her. She said that it made her see a lot of things from a different perspective and that it meant a lot to her to find a new way of relating to me so that I would feel welcomed as I who really am. Welcomed as the person I value myself to be, I think were her words. Which meant so much to me. After feeling for so long like I have to endlessly censor my truth and my authentic self around my family to the point of feeling gagged, it seemed like she was opening a doorway for me to be ME within our relationship. Which is all I’ve ever wanted. I JUST WANT TO BE ME. I just want to be able to speak my truth and express my thoughts and emotions - to have a voice and be listened to, to be accepted and appreciated as I really am, and to be empowered by my family instead of having my power constantly taken away.

Sadly, despite what I believe to be the best intentions, this didn’t really go as planned. My sister put herself in the role - unrequested by me - of mediator between my mother and I. Which was fine, and actually helpful, until she started trying to censor my truth and block what I wanted and NEEDED to communicate to my mum. Two afternoons ago as I mused over the whole situation, the truth that came up within me very strongly was a statement that would draw a line. One that would stop this energetic bombardment that I am still feeling from my mother, despite us having no contact. One that would let her know that she wouldn’t be able to weasel her way back into my good books as she has done in the past, that the only solution to this situation would be her owning her shit - or nothing. I told my sister to pass on that the ONLY thing that would ever cause me to consider having a relationship with my Mum again would be for her to give me a sincere and heartfelt apology for all the ways she’s hurt me, for her to agree that everything I wrote in my post about her is true, for her to take full ownership of all of it, and for her to actively work on changing those behaviours. Then and only then would I consider rebuilding something with her. I acknowledged to my sister that I understood it was unlikely and I accepted that it probably wasn’t ever going to happen. But that those are my conditions and I won’t budge on that. This whole situation has hurt me for way too long.

As soon as I admitted this truth to myself and communicated it to my sister, I felt so much better. I felt like I’d taken my power back, like I’d drawn a line that could never be subtly and covertly crossed again, and I’d created distance from any possibility of us relapsing into narcissistic patterns in the future (which is what terrifies me, for both myself and my future children). There are parts of me that are still very much encumbered in the programming of my childhood, and those parts of me see things from Mum’s perspective so damn easily. Far TOO easily. They believe her pity stories and victim tales and start doubting everything. Those parts of me are still susceptible to her charms and her manipulation. And that scares the crap out of me. So I needed to draw this line.

I also wanted to make it clear what it would take to rebuild our relationship because so many parts of me still cannot believe that it has come to this. The mother I (thought I) knew would have done ANYTHING to fix her relationship with her daughter. It would have been her worst nightmare to lose that. I keep thinking that she will pop up and tell me that this is all a joke. That of COURSE she will work on these things that are making our relationship toxic. I truly believed that after reading my blog post about her she would take it to her counsellor and say - are these things true? And can you help me to heal and release these patterns within me? I genuinely believed that would happen. That I’d laid out my experiences with her so clearly that she wouldn’t be able to deny the facts and it would be a wakeup call for her - a punch in the face to make her see herself clearly and genuinely embark on the healing path that she claims to be on. I still honestly can’t believe that this hasn’t happened - that she appears to have gone even deeper into denial and victimhood. And as a result, more relationships in my life are falling apart.

What I keep forgetting, is that getting an apology out of a narcissistic is like getting sincerity and compassion out of Donald Trump. If squeezed hard enough - or if there’s something good in it for them - they might say the words. But they will be as fake and unfulfilling as a Happy Meal. I have gotten an apology from my Mum in the past, but only when I asked for it, and it was among the variety of “I’m sorry for any unintentional hurt caused” blanket apologies. And it was just SO blatantly obvious that she was just saying it because it was the right thing to say - not because she actually understood, had put herself in my shoes and felt my pain, and seen the error of her ways. It just felt HOLLOW. And that feeling was confirmed by her later saying “I’m not going to feel guilty though.”

And yet, somehow I STILL can’t believe it. I have had a romantic relationship in the past with a narcissist and the similarities between the two are stacking up more and more every day - in ways I never would have believed possible. The way arguments go NOWHERE - in fact they go round and round in circles - because they won’t hear a word against themselves. The way they never take ownership of any of their actions. The way they twist your truth to make you feel crazy - and twist your words to make you LOOK crazy. But this is my MOTHER. And some part of me keeps hoping and hoping that this is all a bad dream and she will wake up one morning and be the person I thought she was.

The website I quoted a lot in my first post - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - talks extensively about this (on the site and the newsletter I signed up for). The way that we keep thinking that THIS time will be different - THIS time she’ll be the mother we need her to be. The child in us never gives up hope - and in the newsletter they compare it to a bird flying fruitlessly into a window, again and again. I did this for so many years and on some level I guess I’m still doing it. If not my mother - then my sisters. My sisters who I’ve always been so close with and who - although we are all very different - have both been supportive of me and my journey (even when they haven’t understood it). But two nights ago the nearest sister to me (in age) ended our relationship and asked me not to contact her. And once again I am left with this overwhelming sense of disbelief that it has gotten to this point, that small issues have been allowed to turn into big relationship-destroying giants, and that my world seems to be falling apart.

My sister didn’t want to pass on what I needed to communicate to Mum (about apologizing etc). She made a valid point that my mother doesn’t want a relationship with me anyway so making that statement was addressing a hypothetical future scenario that may never come. But the energy of the words were what was needed. The line in the sand was what I badly needed. So the more she tried to protect my mother from what I BADLY needed to communicate, the more frustrated I became. I said to her that if she wasn’t going to let me say what I needed to say then there was no point in her playing this role - I would just go directly to Mum. I think she just doesn’t realize yet somehow that this WHOLE situation is about me taking my power back, taking my truth back, getting their hands off my throat and HAVING A VOICE! And once again - although I know she was intending to be accepting of me and the way I operate - I began to feel horribly strangled and controlled by her. And the more I fought against that and struggled to stand my ground and stand up for my right to free speech and open expression - the worse things got. It was like having a conversation with Mum all over again. She told me I could calm down now - people, quick pop quiz: has ANYONE, in the history of the world, become calmer when told they can calm down now??? - which only made me angrier because I felt like she was denying me my right to be angry and express my emotions (Briony, don’t you remember how we taught you to repress this stuff so you behave appropriately??). And then she said to me, “You can do better than this Bri.”

And once again, the fucked up thing is that I WASN’T EVEN DOING ANYTHING BAD. I was not attacking anyone, I was not manipulating anyone, I was not targeting anyone, calling names, using insults, doing anything that could be constituted as abusive or damaging. I. WAS. JUST. SAYING. HOW. I. FELT. If I did that to my husband, he would not bat a fucking eyelid! It’s NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yet once again I was being condemned, not allowed to be me, not allowed to have a voice, having my power taken from me and being made out to be the bad guy.

My sister feels very strongly that the way to navigate these situations is to be diplomatic and sensitive to everyone’s feelings and to be as gentle with the truth as possible. Which is all very well and good FOR HER - and in HER life she can do that as much as she wants. But she had involved herself in MY conflict and was enforcing HER rules and regulations onto me - not realizing that that exact thing was the whole reason for this conflict in the first place. I told her (in response to her saying that I could do better) that I was doing the best thing I possibly could. That doing things their way had been very very bad for me, and what I was doing now was a GOOD thing (because I cannot count how many people I have cheering me on in this - thank God for you!). I have tried playing by their rules and talking gently and civilly for years and not only did it hurt me, but it DIDN’T WORK! They didn’t listen anyway! Getting angry and being outspoken is always my LAST RESORT - and they don’t seem to be able to understand that.

The conversation ended with my sister promising to send my message to Mum, and then asking me not to contact her or mum again - she said, “I need to be able to walk my true path as well and it seems that you can’t tolerate my true way of being.” MIRRORING MUCH????

This whole situation is so crazy making. I am more than happy for my sister to go about doing things her way in HER LIFE but when she involves herself in MY affairs and then tries to control and censor me - no, sorry, I’m not playing that game anymore. And when I try to stand my ground and do things my way, she then accuses me of not letting her be HER... BE YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN LIFE! LET ME BE ME! For fuck’s sake, PLEASE, just let me be who I am!!!!

The thing is, I spent most of my life thinking that kindness and gentleness and sensitivity were everything. That was how I was raised. In fact I spent most of my life being absolutely terrified of hurting anyone, thinking that was the worst thing ever. And IT DIDN’T WORK. I hurt people anyway. You just can’t help it, and the more you fear doing it, the more you end up attracting it. I learnt that no matter what I did, I was going to inadvertently hurt people. That’s life. So I may as well BE myself, be TRUE to myself, because trying to be someone else in order to protect people didn’t work anyway. And the other thing is that when you try to shield people from their own pain - you block them from their path too. You cushion them from the lessons they are SUPPOSED to learn, and it doesn’t actually end up helping anyone. You can’t go through this life without experiencing pain - and if you want to learn and grow and evolve you are certainly going to experience a lot of it! But that’s how life goes and it’s all a perfect part of the journey we are all on. I gave up a while ago trying to be diplomatic and polite when I actually wanted to scream the house down - and guess what? In healthy relationships, this causes things to get sorted out so much faster! In my marriage when we are angry, we are angry. When we need to argue, we go for it. We GET TO THE POINT. And we listen to each other’s truth. And it means conflicts blow over so fast and every time they actually bring us closer. I have been banging my head on a wall trying to bring this dynamic into my family and it’s so clearly not working. And for this reason - NOTHING gets resolved and relationships get ruined.

I am so upset right now because I have not only lost a mother, I have now lost a sister who has been basically a best friend my whole life. And relationships with most other people in the family are tenuous at best. The ones who continue to love and support me are now caught up in an uncomfortable position of opposing loyalties. And I’m here watching my world fall apart, wondering how on Earth did it come to this? How did it ever get to a place of me having to chose between myself and my family?

I feel as though I have come out of the closet as gay, and my family have rejected my sexuality. Told me that it’s not ok, it’s not right, and they will only continue to have a relationship with me if I go back to living a lie, playing by their rules, and pretending to be straight again. THAT’S how much a part of me this is. This passionate urge in me to be authentic above all, to speak my truth, express my emotions, write my stories and walk in my power is so overwhelmingly strong, it’s not a way of operating through life that I have adopted because it sounds cool - IT IS THE VERY ESSENCE OF WHO I AM. This is the fundamental piece of spirit that I bring to this world, the part of me that can never be denied - without bringing great misery into my being and my life - and the part of me that so many other people CELEBRATE.

That’s why I wanted to start this post with a massive THANK YOU. And why I was not exaggerating when I said that you people keep me sane. Because for every person in my family that tells me I’m not ok, what I’m doing is not right, and they won’t tolerate it - there are ten of you saying, “YES GIRL! You are amazing! You are inspiring and uplifting and empowering so many people! You are GOOD and you are doing GREAT things in the world!”. And you guys have all my attention right now - because although I KNOW, through and through, that I am on the right path and doing the right thing - it is still breaking my heart to see these relationships crumble, it’s still terrifying to feel the support structure I’ve always had be ripped out from under me, and I still doubt EVERYTHING at times because the persuasive power of those family voices is so strong. So thank you, endlessly, for validating and encouraging the true me. You will never know what it means to me.

Let me tell you what happened when I stopped being true to myself. I lost my sense of purpose and direction in life. I lost touch with what I enjoyed and what I wanted. I lost my identity and my personal power. I lost my passion and fulfillment in life. I stopped being able to write and I started actually rejecting my talents and stories. I stopped being able to think for myself. I became blocked in my body and my soul. I put on a lot of weight and felt constantly heavy and energy-less. I became depressed. I wandered aimlessly through life endlessly trying to figure out what would get me out of this rut I was in. I didn’t know how to fix my despondency or what to change in my life because I didn’t know MYSELF anymore. I started binge eating and throwing up. I spent all day reading books and watching TV shows or movies because I badly needed to distract myself from how damn long the days were. I hated to think of this life stretching out ahead of me, totally void of inspiration. I lost what made me happy, what made me shine. I stopped living my purpose and I was on a downward spiral.

AND I WILL NEVER, EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

Not for my mother, not for my father, not for my sister, not even for my husband (who, by the way loves the HELL out of the real me and would never ever try to cage and control me). I am here to be this fiery, wild, REAL, raw, outspoken woman - who can also 10000% be gentle and kind and sensitive. I am both, but if you try to cage my wildness, you do not have a place in my life any longer. As SOON as I wrote ‘My Untold Story’ and began this blog again, my whole attitude in life turned around. My days aren’t long ENOUGH anymore for everything I want to get done. I feel endless energy and enthusiasm for life and the journey I’m on. I sit down and write and HOURS pass by without me even noticing, I am just lost in creative flow. I feel HAPPY and light and fulfilled in ways I haven’t in fucking YEARS. It’s like I can SEE again, and breathe again. I look around my home and my life and I feel overwhelmed with joy and gratitude - something I was unable to tap into for so long. I have found my zest for life again and it feels so damn GOOD!

So. If you find yourself in a situation like me, where a couple of people close to you are telling you that what you are, what you are passionate about, and what you stand for is WRONG, and not ok, and not tolerated by them - and then just across the road there are a whole CROWD of people cheering for you, SEEING YOU, celebrating you and telling you that you absolutely ROCK and the world NEEDS you …… which side of the road will you stand on? Which group will you listen to? Will you pay attention to the little negative voices who believe they want the best for you but are in actuality bringing you down? Or will you listen to the roaring applause for your true self?

The world deserves to know and experience the REAL YOU. And YOU DESERVE to feel happy, inspired, passionate and fulfilled in life. Trust me when I say that when you surrender to total authenticity and you go after your soul’s calling, you will attract so many people who think you are the best thing since coconut oil. Yes, you are going to lose people. Like me, you may lose people you thought would always be there. But it’s WORTH IT. And even through my tears over my sister two nights ago, I could very clearly feel my higher self smiling.

I wish my sister, my mother and my family well. I thank them for all they have done for me, all the good times, all the challenges, and all the lessons that have ultimately turned me into the warrior I am today. Because this world needs warriors. And until I started standing up for my right to be ME, I never even knew there was one in me.

It’s time for a new chapter - maybe even a new book! - in the story of my life. And I am keeping my head turned firmly in the direction of my cheer squad. Because they are badass and amazing and I am so happy to know them.

THANK YOU.